Mr Wood Visits The Lady Garden

Today’s short story was inspired by hearing the word ‘lady garden’ which is, if you didn’t know, a euphemism for the female pubic area, especially one that hasn’t been trimmed but allowed to grow wild. I thought it sounded like a children’s TV programme, and this, combined with the British passion for double entendre and innuendo, led to me writing this story. To get the most out of the story, imagine you’re reading it like one of those constantly happy and patronising children’s presenters, the ones that stress far too many of the syllables in each word. They usually wear dungarees in bright colours and look like they’ve been smoking something before the cameras rolled.

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Hello everyone. This is Mr Wood. Say hello, Mr Wood.

Mr Wood waves.

Mr Wood lives in the dark forest but he likes coming out to play, don’t you, Mr Wood?

Mr Wood nods.

Mr Wood will play with anyone at any time, he’s very friendly. Mr Wood also loves to explore, especially in dark holes and damp caves, and up large mountains and hills. Sometimes, Mr Wood has to wear a special suit to keep himself safe, but mostly he doesn’t. You don’t like the special suit, do you, Mr Wood?

Mr Wood shakes his head.

Mr Wood does like to sleep. If you want to wake Mr Wood up, you have to say magic words like melons, doggy, moist, and finger. Let’s try it now. Mr Wood, please go to sleep.

Mr Wood goes to sleep.

Let’s say a word together and see if Mr Wood wakes up.

Commitment!

Mr Wood is still asleep.

Relationships!

Mr Wood is still asleep.

Butter!

Mr Wood wakes up.

That seems to have worked. Now Mr Wood is awake he’s decided to play in his favourite place, the lady garden. Mr Wood loves playing in the lady garden and goes there as often as he can, don’t you Mr Wood?

Mr Wood nods.

This morning, the owner of the lady garden is still sleeping, so Mr Wood creeps quietly down the back lane and along the ravine that leads to the liquid pool in the lady garden. When he gets there, the garden is closed up tight, so Mr Wood has to wait for it to open.

Now, Mr Wood isn’t very good at waiting, are you Mr Wood?

Mr Wood shakes his head.

Mr Wood starts doing press-ups to keep himself ready for when the garden opens. Mr Wood likes to do press-ups and does them every day. He does press-ups at home and at work, in the park and in the supermarket. Sometimes, when Mr Wood walks his dog in the forest, other people watch him do press-ups while he watches them. Some of the people like to help each other when they do press-ups. The people in the forest are very friendly, aren’t they, Mr Wood?

Mr Wood nods.

Today, Mr Wood tries not to do too many press-ups, because then he will be very tired when he reaches the liquid pool. A few minutes later, the lady garden opens and Mr Wood sneaks towards it, trying not to wake the owner. Sometimes, Mr Wood goes into the lady garden when the owner is awake. She shows him all the secret places in the garden and she really enjoys it when Mr Wood explores the whole thing. Mr Wood likes to run up and down the hills, but his most favourite place of all is the liquid pool. He always finishes up in the liquid pool, don’t you, Mr Wood?

Mr Wood shakes his head.

No? Of course. Sometimes, on very special occasions or when the owner of the lady garden has had a lot of happy juice, Mr Wood finishes up in the top entrance.

Mr Wood can’t see the liquid pool because it’s still a little dark, so he feels his way along the ravine until he finds it. It’s quite a struggle, but Mr Wood manages to wriggle inside and start doing his exercises. After a few minutes, Mr Wood stops and suddenly realises he’s not in the liquid pool at all, but has slipped in the back way and into the ‘staff only’ entrance by mistake. And now the owner of the lady garden is waking up.

Oh dear, Mr Wood, you have been silly!

Mr Wood nods.

Oh well, never mind, Mr Wood. He quickly finishes his exercises, dashes off home and goes back to sleep.

Good Night, Mr Wood! In his next adventure, Mr Wood pretends to be a toothbrush!