When it comes to aliens, I’m 100 per cent certain they exist. It’s the height of arrogance to think we’re unique in the galaxy, never mind the universe. Astronomers have been finding exoplanets out there. Planets may mean life, although this doesn’t necessarily mean intelligent life. The question is not why we haven’t found them yet. It’s more like how they will react when they do turn up. Will they steal our water and make us into burgers, or will they bring immortality and reliable Wi-Fi?
* * *
Someone, probably a politician, decided not to welcome all the aliens to Earth, but rather to Mars. This was done as a precaution against disease, invasion, and of course to keep them away from certain humans, I’m sure you know the ones I mean. We wouldn’t want our interstellar visitors to judge the entire human race based on flat-Earthers, anti-vaxxers, so-called ‘Karens’ and similar folk.
So, they built us a nice base on Mars, complete with landing pads, isolation rooms, huge hydroponics domes and a variety of changeable atmospheres. A huge computer was installed, supposedly an A.I., that was used to translate alien into human and vice versa. Later, as a gift from an advanced alien race, we even got artificial gravity. There was a permanent staff of twelve, chosen to represent a diverse selection of humanity, although we were all scientists.
We all had different areas of expertise, and much of the time we worked alone or in pairs, together with a similar number of aliens, depending on who was in the galactic neighbourhood at the time. It had come as quite a surprise when we’d finally encountered aliens. An alien ship was spotted just beyond Pluto, which turned out to be a cargo ship carrying minerals to another race of aliens, who knew more races and suddenly we’re knee-deep in aliens and playing catch-up.
Most of the aliens weren’t anything like us. They were mainly a selection of insectoid or octopoid, which made communication difficult but not impossible. They came and went, and everything was going great. And then the swan people arrived.
This is our name for them, they call themselves a series of whistles that translates, as many of them do, to ‘the people’. As you can work out for yourself, they look a little like swans, complete with tiny white feathers and long necks. Otherwise, they are bipedal like us, with two arms instead of wings and long, long legs. Their chests are muscular and slightly bulbous, which, from a distance, made them look like women. My friend Geoff fell in love with them at first sight.
Of course, we were forbidden from actually meeting them in the same space, at least until both species had been tested and found to be safe from one another’s bacteria and such. This is quite a long process, and I can only describe what Geoff did while waiting was ‘pining’. He paced around all the time, couldn’t sleep and spent most of his time in the quarantine room ‘talking’ to the swan people.
Geoff was waiting when they came out of quarantine, and no one else could get near them. He followed them around the station, ate with them and generally monopolised their time. I was left with videos of their behaviour and language, and recordings of Geoff’s interviews with them.
A few days later, Geoff appeared at the door to my room, alone and with a grin all over his face. He invited himself in, closing the door behind him. I knew immediately something had happened.
“What did you do?” I asked.
He grinned wider. “You are looking at the first human to have sex with an alien.”
“You’re joking,” I said, knowing I was wrong.
“Nope. In fact, I’m the first and second.”
I was speechless. I couldn’t think of any law, guideline or protocol Geoff hadn’t broken. He was in so much trouble if this got out. They’d probably bring back hanging just for him.
“Tell me it was at least consensual,” I demanded.
“Of course, it was! In fact, they initiated it, and I couldn’t say no.”
“It would have been very easy to say no, even through the translator. What have you done? They’re going to be tracking me down, demanding statements and interviews, asking about your previous sex-life.”
“No, they aren’t. Nobody will know. They promised to keep it secret, at least from humans.”
I shook my head and turned away. I couldn’t look at his stupid, grinning face. Then the scientist in me kicked in and I had to ask. “So, I can’t believe I’m asking, what was it like?”
By the speed and detail of his reply, I could tell he’d been bursting to tell someone. “Amazing, best I’ve ever had. Ok, to start at the beginning. We were in my room, talking, you know, about human stuff. We started talking about anatomy, and they were curious about clothes and what’s underneath. And honestly, out of nowhere, the tall one said, ‘if you show me yours, we’ll show you ours’.”
“Seriously?” I groaned.
“Honestly, I have it on record.”
“You recorded yourself having sex with two aliens?”
“Of course, wouldn’t you?”
“Yeah, probably. Carry on.”
“And so, I strip off, and of course, I’m standing to attention by now. They were fascinated, you know, as if they’d never seen one before. Quick as a flash, they’ve taken off their spacesuits and underneath they look like women, but no nipples of course, and covered in tiny feathers, which are great to touch. We end up in a pile on the bed and they’re both fighting to get on top and get me inside them. I eventually give them both a good seeing to and off they go, thanking me for being so open.”
“Is this a joke, or did you have a wet dream?”
“I swear it happened. I wouldn’t lie to you, we’ve been friends for years.”
“Ok, but I still think you’re crazy.”
“I don’t care, I’m the first human to have sex with an alien. My life is complete.”
I had a sudden thought and began to search through the files on the swan people. “Yes, I thought so.”
“What, you’ve found something?” Geoff sounded worried, and his grin had disappeared.
“Nothing major. It’s just these alien birds are like Earth birds when it comes to genitals.”
“And?” Geoff still sounded worried.
“Well, they only have one hole down there, males and females alike, called a cloaca. Technically, you went in the front and back doors at the same time.”
“I wondered why they tasted a bit funky when I went down on them.”