Hard Magic

If you had a magic wand, wouldn’t you use it to spice things up in the bedroom, or anywhere else? Things could go horribly wrong of course, but I think it’s worth the risk.
Steve Dean's Short Story Hard Magic

Those of you who are familiar with a certain franchise might spot the influence for this story. We see the grown-up characters at the end of the last film, with children of their own, so they’re obviously doing stuff. If you had a magic wand, wouldn’t you use it to spice things up in the bedroom, or anywhere else? Things could go horribly wrong of course, but I think it’s worth the risk. This is a short and simple story, just like me, but hopefully, you’ll enjoy the humour.

*                      *                      *

When Hermina answered the knock on the front door, she found her friend Jeannie standing there clutching a small bag.

“Hi, Mina.”

“Hi, Jeannie, come in.”

Hermina went through to the kitchen and sat at the large table. She gestured with her wand and two steaming hot cups of tea, and a plate of biscuits appeared. She smiled. “How are you?”

“Oh, I’m ok.” Jeannie sighed.

“You don’t sound convinced,” Hermina said.

Jeannie sat and took a sip of tea. “Oh, it’s nothing, I don’t want to burden you with my problems.”

Hermina smiled at her friend. “Jeannie, we’ve been friends for a long time, been through a lot together. I’m here for you. I want to help, so tell me.”

“Ok, but maybe when you hear it you might not be so keen to talk about it.”

“Nonsense. I might not be able to solve it but talking it through might help.”

Jeannie nodded. “I suppose it might help.” She took a deep breath and whispered “Henry can’t get it up. We haven’t had sex in months.”

Hermina almost spat out the sip of tea she’d just taken. “Oh. Straight to the point.”

“I did warn you. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, it’s fine, you just caught me off guard there. Just to clarify, we are talking about the same thing?”

“He’s got brewers droop, no lead in his pencil, his magic wand is no longer magic.”

“Yep, that’s what I thought. So, what have you tried?”

“Erotic massage, sexy lingerie, dressing up as a mermaid, which was a complete disaster.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“He’s been working hard, as you know, he comes home at all hours and he’s just tired. He has a very important job and I can’t just tell him to stop.”

“Yes, I get that. Have you tried a touch of magic?”

“Well, I usually just cast Vibrodigitus on my fingers and do myself that way.”

“No, I meant to Henry.”

“No, is that even legal?”

“Who cares. No one’s going to say anything to Henry are they.”

“I suppose. What do you recommend?”

“I use Erecto Bigbonus, that does the trick.”

“Sounds good. How long does it last?”

“An hour or two, long enough for me. You might need to practice a few times.” Hermina swished her wand over the table and a plate of raw sausages appeared. Hermina selected a large one and waved her wand at it. “Erecto Bigbonus!” The sausage immediately grew and stiffened in her hand.

“There you go. Might be a bit small but it’s good for practising.”

“A bit small? That’s more than Henry has.”

“Really! Oh poor you.”

“You mean Aron is bigger than that?”

Hermina smiled, “Oh yes. You didn’t think I married him for his looks, did you?”

“Well, I didn’t want to say. Anyway, I’ll try that later.”

“Once things get back on track, there are other spells to spice things up a little.” Hermina grinned.

“Oh? Like what?”

“Well, levitation spells are fun, you can get into all kinds of positions with those. Then there’s Vibrioglossus, which makes your tongue vibrate, we both love that one. Anus Lubricatus for when he wants to go in the back door, and Straponio for when I peg him. Plenty more if you think about it.”

“Is that why you and Aron are always smiling?”

“Oh yes! We’re at it like rabbits, which is also a good one.”


“Oh, yes, you should see his little hips going!” Hermina laughed. “You might need Chillius Genitatus after that one.”

Jeannie stood suddenly, a wistful look on her face. “Sorry to rush off, but I’ve got things to prepare for when Henry gets home.”

Hermina laughed, “good luck, and take it easy at first.”

“I will.”

Hermina saw Jeannie to the door and waved her off. Henry was in for a surprise tonight.

As she returned to the kitchen, Aron emerged from his office, a large bulge in his pants.

“Mina, I’ve told you these walls are paper thin, look what happened.”

“I’ll do more than look!” Hermina reached over and began to rub the bulge.

“I wouldn’t normally mind, but I was on a flue call with Professor McDougal!”


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