Snake in a Habit

What is a moral dilemma? While in self-drive mode and faced with a collision, the car might have to decide who or what to run into. For instance, if a child ran into the road, does the car swerve to protect the child, or stay on the road to protect the driver? This is just a philosophical debate, of course, because the car will be programmed to protect the customer.
Steve Dean's Short Story Snake in a Habit

This story was inspired in part by the whole self-driving car thing. As you start reading you might wonder why, but it does make sense in the end. The link comes from the two words ‘Moral Dilemma’. While in self-drive mode and faced with a collision, the car might have to decide who or what to run into. For instance, if a child ran into the road, does the car swerve to protect the child, or stay on the road to protect the driver? This is just a philosophical debate, of course, because the car will be programmed to protect the customer. I’ve written several SF stories recently, so I wanted this one to be fantasy. I changed a few things around, borrowed a deity from the Roleplay world I created, and off I went.

*                 *                 *

Brother Tundiway was a travelling member of his order, who spent his days venturing far and wide to spread the good word of his deity Gandapinty. He was still young, not yet in his twentieth year, so was still keen and strong and didn’t have to sit down or piss behind a tree every half hour. He was tall and broad across the shoulders with a pleasant demeanour and a mildly handsome face. His hooded habit was dyed a yellowish brown, which did him no favours but it kept him warm and mostly dry. The quarterstaff he carried acted as a walking stick and a weapon, should he come across bandits or miscreants upon the highway. This, his sandals, and the small bag containing an eating knife of poor quality and a piece of bread with green spots on it was his entire worth in the world.

On this particular day, Brother Tundiway was in high spirits as he walked towards the next village on his rounds. He was singing his favourite hymn ‘Gandapinty, You Are so Nice’. One of the lesser-known hymns of his order. Uphill he went, and down again, with no sign of anyone else on the road. This continued for some while, until, rounding a bend on a thickly forested part of the track, he spied a woman, sitting on a tree stump and rubbing her leg. He quickly hurried over to offer assistance.  

“Hello!” He announced as he approached so as not to startle the woman. “I am Brother Tundiway of the Order of Gandapinty. May I be of service?”

The woman looked up at Tundiway, tears in her eyes. She was, Tundiway thought, a very fine example of womanhood and a credit to Gandapinty. The tears made her green eyes glisten as she looked up at him, her long blonde hair cascading over her shoulders and down to one of the deepest cleavages Tundiway had ever seen. He had, of course, been taught how to deal with such things before he was let loose on the world, and so tried to keep his mind on the woman’s suffering.

“Brother, I was making my way to morning prayer in the temple and I tripped and I fear I have broken something.”

“I have some skill in healing, I can take a look for you,” Tundiway offered.

“Thank you, Brother, Gandapinty will surely reward you.”

The Brother knelt down in front of her, heedless of the mud. “I require no reward, miss, helping others is reward enough.”

The woman stretched out her right leg. “I think it’s broken.”

Tundiway gently examined the leg, which was a little red but nowhere near as bad as he had been expecting. He looked up at her and instead found himself looking at the dark region between her legs, the part usually covered by bloomers.

The woman sighed. “Is it bad, Brother?”

“No, my dear, not bad at all.”

“Could you help me walk back to my cottage, it’s only a little way up the hill?”

“Of course, it would be my pleasure,” Tundiway said while thinking it seemed like a very bad idea indeed. But what else could he do? Being a Brother of Gandapinty required him to offer assistance whenever he could.

With the young woman hanging onto him the pair walked up a muddy slope towards a tiny wooden hut deep in the forest. The woman went inside and sat on the bed, which was the only piece of furniture, and which almost filled the small space. “Please come in, sit. I am a humble fungus-monger but what I have I will share with you.”

The woman leaned over and grabbed a jug and two mugs from a shelf. “I have water, it’s freshly drawn from the well.”

         “Thank you, you are most kind.”

Tundiway stood and drank the cool water, while the woman sat on the bed, her legs apart and her cleavage slowly increasing as her dress loosened itself.

“Oh,” she said, “your habit is dirty, if you remove it, I can wash it for you and dry it in the sun.”

Brother Tundiway found himself removing his habit and tried to think about Gandapinty to control himself. It didn’t work and he soon found himself standing naked in front of the woman with a raging hard-on.

She smiled. “Oh my, did you have a snake under your habit?” She leaned forward and took hold of it, then pulled him none too gently on top of her, spreading her legs so that Tundiway practically fell into her.

Tundiway awoke the next morning to find himself tucked up in bed, the woman lying naked next to him. There was something different about her, but his mind was befuddled as if he wasn’t yet fully awake.

She smiled widely and her teeth were odd, more like an animal than a human. “Good morning. What a great night, not a hole left unplugged.”

“What, did we…?”

“Yes, we did, and I must say you were very good at it, for a first-timer.”

“I was? I mean, I shouldn’t have.”

“Oh?” she said casually. “Does your god require celibacy?”

“No, my deity does not, but it should be part of a loving relationship, not a shack-up in a… shack.”

“Oh. How does Gandapinty feel about going in the back door?”

Tundiway looked around a puzzled expression on his face.

The woman laughed. “No, this backdoor.” She rolled over and slapped herself on the arse.

Tundiway blushed scarlet. “Oh, same answer as before really.”

“Well, what a marvellous deity this Gandapinty is.”


“So, what about if you came across someone undead?”    

Tundiway jumped up, his semi-swinging. “Gandapinty does not tolerate the undead and Gandapinty’s followers are entreated to destroy them at all costs.”

The woman looked Tundiway in the dick and said, “well, I’m a vampire, so what are you going to do?”

Tundiway leapt from the bed and grabbed his quarterstaff, trying desperately to remember how to kill a vampire and wondering how he had fallen so far and so quickly from Gandapinty’s path. He grinned as he suddenly remembered something. “You were out in the daylight, vampires can’t do that!”

The woman laughed. “I’m three centuries old, I solved that little problem a long time ago.”

“Oh, er. In the name of Gandapinty, be gone foul beast!”

“Are you going to be doing this much longer, because I could really do with another ride on your snake?”

“Never! The undead are anathema to the teachings of Gandapinty.”

“Oh. And nothing will change your mind?” She opened her legs wider.

“Nothing. I must destroy you or die trying.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely certain.”

“I’m pregnant with your children.”

Brother Tundiway tried to form words, but his brain was in shock.

“Yes, I’m a vampire, I can sense human life and I’m pregnant with twins. If you kill me you kill two humans. How’s that for a moral dilemma?”

Tundiway sagged onto the bed, his whole world shattered. “I’ll have to stay with you until the babies are born, then take them away into Gandapinty’s care.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Meanwhile…” She smiled.         

Tundiway’s snake answered the question for him. “Well, I’m fucked anyway, might as well enjoy it.”


Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Sign up for updates and receive a copy of Steve Dean's anthology of fantasy and science fiction stories

This site uses cookies.

If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.

Privacy policy